How do you answer the question, “Who are you?” Do you list your titles: mom, wife, sister, accountant? Or maybe you lead with your personality traits: caring friend, introvert, dedicated worker, good listener.
There are so many pieces to the complex puzzle that makes you uniquely you. You’ve spent your whole life with yourself, so knowing who you are should be easy, right? The problem is we’re all human. We allow ourselves to be influenced. We give in. We conform. And we lie, even to ourselves.
So how do you find your own identity in the midst of who the world says you are?
For starters, you’ll need to find some quiet alone time. Yes, I know this may seem like an impossible task, especially if you have kids. But I also know you can make it work, even if it’s just ten minutes between their bedtime and when you crash on your own mattress.
Grab a journal, notebook, or scrap piece of paper and write down every aspect of your identity that you can think of. What is important to you? What makes you who you are? I’ve provided some starting points below, but this is by no means a comprehensive list:
Values
Beliefs
Race/ethnicity
Sex/gender
Romantic/sexual orientation
Personality
Skills/talents/abilities
Family/friends/mentors/role models
Work
Hobbies/interests/passions
Strengths/weaknesses
Likes/dislikes
Objects/possessions
When you’re done, take a break. Whether it’s five minutes or a day, walk away from your page and come back to it with fresh eyes. Then go through your words and phrases one by one. Notice how you react to each identifier. This will be a good indicator for which things you’re proud of or place importance on and which ones you may not feel so great about.
This could also help you call out which ones may be lies you’ve been led to believe by yourself or others. If you find any of these, be sure to cross them out. After all, we’re looking for the real you, not the one the outside world has told you to be.
Similarly, take note of the overall tone of your page. If it teeters toward negativity, I challenge you to go back and find more positive items. They are there, but maybe you haven’t allowed yourself to see them (And you should. You are more incredible than you can imagine!).
Next, rank these identifiers in order of importance to you. If your entire being boiled down to five things, what would those be?
We did a similar activity in a college leadership class. It was a deserted island-type scenario. The professor walked us through multiple rounds in which we had to eliminate a handful of items from our list. In the end, we were each left with the single most important thing in our life. It was interesting to evaluate our choices, whether we felt good about the final item on our list, and think how we might do things differently.
This next part is going to take some time. I suggest breaking it up and doing one a day. I love starting my day with prayer and devotion before I even get out of bed. This is also a great time to journal (I really should start journaling). However, if you prefer to knock this out all at once or in larger chunks, that’s fine too. Do what works for you.
Below is a list of questions. Answer each one honestly and in depth. Take time to explore your response, not just your words but how you feel physically and emotionally.
Let me take this moment to say one thing. While this has been an exercise of self-evaluation, you do not have to go at this alone, especially if you are dealing with any sort of trauma, significant stressors, or health issues. If talking to a trusted friend or family member is not feasible or simply not enough, please seek help from a counselor or other health professional. You are worth it.
Finally, after you have done all of this and feel like you have a better understanding of who you are, there is one last question I want you to ask yourself. Is this the version of you that the world sees?
As we talked about before, there’s a lot of noise out there (and even internally) that likes to tell you who and how you should be.
I spent most of my life mastering the art of being reserved and hiding the real me or At least some part of me. I’m still a work in progress, but in the past few years I have really tried to open up, accept myself, and care less about what others think of me. I want to silence the lies and stop conforming to the version of me the world thinks I should be.
And my hope is that you are able to do this too. Because you are beautiful, incredible, and wonderfully made. The world needs you—unique, authentic you. Get out there and share the real you!
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